Jo and I went to a baby carrying workshop last week. We practised with different sorts of wraps and carriers with weighted dolls – floppy, heavy plastic things that feel nothing like a real baby. But there were people there with actual newborns, and I couldn’t help but stare at these pink, scrunchy-faced little humans. Do I really have one of those inside of me right now?
It feels like an odd dream to me at this point, like it can’t possibly be true.
At the 32 week scan we found out our little baby Sunshine is not that little any more, she was already weighing in at 2040grams that day, so she’s probably heavier by now. She even has hair already! The gynaecologist checked the placenta and all the related veins (because I have an abnormal umbilical cord attachment) but we got the all okay for a home birth. So if I don’t go overdue, I will not see a gynaecologist again. It makes me feel a little weird. Are you sure there aren’t more checks to do? Do you genuinely believe I’m qualified to go off and birth a whole human being in the near future? What???
I have a weekly pregnancy yoga class as well. I am one of the most pregnant ones there, which comes with a certain assumption from the others that I must know what I am doing. They ask me how it feels to be this far along, and I mostly just say ‘fine’! I say ‘fine’ to everyone who asks, but I get the impression that most people find that answer to be lacking. They expect something more dramatic, something heavy and emotional about the sheer joy of impending motherhood maybe, or more likely dire complaints about how awful it all is.
It’s not. The truth is, I still feel like me. My belly has graduated from ‘basketball’ to ‘watermelon’ at this point, and it’s getting harder to tie my shoes or get up out of the bath, plus I get out of breath easily. But on the other hand I still frequently forget I am actually this big and end up bumping into things belly-first. I’m not in pain or in much discomfort at all. I just… share my body with a heavy, wiggly little occupant.
We have now bought most of our essentials now, a lot of them second hand. So our flat holds a box complete with baby hammock, two changing tables, a crib, and a co-sleeper. It’s all lovely to look at, but I think part of me still doesn’t fully believe that there is going to be a baby using it soon. Maybe it’s all hormones, making me feel just a little hazy. Or maybe this is just my body saying that I’ll go to 42 weeks and really, there is no use in getting excited just yet.
Does it work like that, a feeling of urgency, a birth spider-sense that will let me know when it’s time to get serious? Or maybe babies just come like a sudden tsunami, when you’re not particularly looking, like a jack-in-a-box? I’ll only be able to tell you after it happens I suppose. But until then, I am happy with her staying put. She can get bigger and stronger, and I can maybe wrap my head around the fact that one day soon she’ll be on the outside of me.
So for now, I am me plus belly, two in one, and it’s all good. Let’s do this for a good while more <3