I’m recording this because it must be something hormonal along with everything else, but lately I have been SO BROODY.
I have always dreamt of having a house full of children, but it seemed like a lovely fantasy and not necessarily something I’d want in reality. Before I was ever pregnant part of me even assumed that as soon as we’d have one child it would be such hard work that Jo and I would decide that one is quite enough, and that that would be it. When Freya was only just born we definitely felt overwhelmed and panicked enough that that seemed plausible.
But ooooh I want that dream now more than ever!
I have been enjoying motherhood so much these last months, which is probably a large part of this. I feel like I know what I’m doing now, and I love doing it. And maybe it’s that with everything we have already learned with Freya, I feel we would be better parents the second time around. Or it’s about the pregnancy, I was nauseous as hell the first trimester but after that it was great, and I very much want to feel a baby grow within me again. Maybe it’s that Freya would be so cute with a sibling. Or maybe it’s just more, more of this feeling of having a child, more love, the feeling that our arms are big enough to wrap around more children than just one.
I’m still breastfeeding Freya and I have yet to have a period (which is normal, it’s nature’s way of spacing out pregnancies) so it’s not like I could get pregnant right now even if I wanted to. And it’s not that I would want to anyway, not this soon, not while Freya is still so small and needs so much of me.
But later, well we could try again rather easily… Part of the reason that we chose to have IVF was because if we were lucky one round of treatment would give us a chance for more than one try. Back then we had hoped for maybe one extra embryo, or two. When happened is that we got eight, the first of which grew into Freya. So there are seven potential siblings still waiting in the freezer, waiting for us to give them a chance at life. And I think of them often, these maybe-babies, what do they look like? I imagine them as a bunch, all running together and making messes. I want that!
And no, I don’t actually want EIGHT children, not really, that seems too crazy even for me. We can’t afford them, I would be too old, we only have so much energy, and poor Jo is NOT on board with this idea. But it rolls over me like a wave, that longing. I want to buy a large house with lots of bedrooms and fill it with noise, and love, and life. I want babies to hold and cuddle, chubby toddlers running after me, inquisitive kids asking endless questions, moody teenagers slamming doors even, I want all of it! I want to cook giant meals and host slumber parties and give them a childhood filled with warmth and wonder.
Maybe it’ll all fade when Freya is at a more difficult age. Or my hormones will even out and I’ll come to my senses. Maybe we will decide to never try again and I will find my peace with that, or maybe we will try and it won’t work again. But for now… I’m driving Jo crazy with my daydreaming about babies and houses and future maybes. I’m sneakily eyeing up large families in the park. And I’m greedily holding on to that crib, the tiny baby clothes, and my pregnancy dresses. Just in case ;)