With only two days to go until my due date, I figure it’s time to start looking back at these last months and write down my goodbye to pregnancy.
It doesn’t seem that long ago that we had our frozen embryo transfer in London and baby Sunshine decided to stick around to become ours. The first trimester stretched out for endless weeks of sickness and it was by far the worst bit of my pregnancy, I was so relieved to make it to twelve weeks and stumble into the second one! I felt so much better then and I thought that would be the best time before it all became too difficult again, but honestly, these last months have been great too. Other than some stressing about getting everything ready for baby I have loved my third trimester.
With passing milestones like viability and thirty-two weeks it has been so good knowing that baby is strong and healthy and okay in there. I really enjoy feeling her move too. It’s probably one of the reasons why I haven’t gone into labour just yet despite having some signs for almost two weeks now, because part of me is holding on to this. It’s a bittersweet feeling knowing the end is coming, that soon she will be her own whole person. I wish I could both have her be born and keep her inside too!
I have been very lucky to have few complaints physically, even being as pregnant as I am I still feel mostly fine. My legs are very swollen by the end of the day and my back aches, but considering the huge bump I carry around that seems like a small sacrifice to make.
Emotionally it has been harder. We never did receive congratulations or anything all from most of my relatives and some friends. I had a very different idea of what this would be like, and that still hurts at times. In a way it has made me stronger though, it has pointed out how very much I want to go my own way, and how I feel confident in how I want to have this baby and how to raise her.
I don’t know how much I have changed myself, but I do feel clearer, calmer, and happier now. I am ready to do this, and I’m very grateful to these last months for that. I have been working through my fears about hospital birth, my grief about the connections I lost, and on accepting what I do have and how great that really is. Jo is a brilliant partner, I have lovely friends, and I have learned a lot about who I really can lean on, some people unexpectedly. We have had a really nice last-minute baby shower thrown for us by Jo’s colleagues this week, and I have had fun chats with other expectant mums. We have met some wonderful women in my midwives and yoga teacher as well, people who are genuinely enthusiastic about natural birth and who I trust to guide us in having and taking care of this little one. So there is no lack of love in our life, and there won’t be in baby Sunshine’s. We are ready to adore the hell out of this little one!
Pregnancy has been a hugely transformative time for me, at times too much, like a river flowing over me and pulling me under. At other times it has been smooth sailing, with me happily paddling down the stream and feeling like I could do this for forever! I definitely have no regrets about any of it, the doctor’s appointments, the IVF, all the stressing and planning and dreaming that has gotten us to this point. We have chosen this baby, in this way, and we would choose her a hundred times over again.
We are waiting for you, my little Sunshine. Come and meet us whenever you are ready <3
I wish the three of you a smooth birth in the heart and warmth of your very own cocoon. Although the weather is bad right now, your baby will shine over the whole Sint-Pieters neighbourhood very soon! :-)
Aw, if you suddenly see a brilliant bit of sunshine in the sky you know what happened! *g* Thank you <3
Don’t fear, even after birth, it will take baby Sunshine a couple more months before becoming ‘her own whole person’, because just like you, she’ll just want to continue to be with you whenever, wherever you are. So just carry her around with you or just enjoy sitting in the sofa with her on your lap! Hold her close, so she can grow confidently, knowing that you’ll be there for her when she needs you, and very gradually – so that you can get used to it as well ;) – you will see how her world will grow larger. I promise you, it will be another great journey, one you’ll share both with her and Jo! ❤️
Even at this point I have very little idea of what ‘the fourth trimester’ will really be like. It should probably scare me a little that this tiny human will need me that much, but that sounds exactly like what I want to do, to hold her close to my body and slowly let her grow and explore the world from there. It will be such an adventure! <3
What an extraordinary feeling it must be, knowing you’re on the precipice of a whole new phase of life for you and Jo, and a whole new *life* for your daughter. Thank you for sharing your experience of pregnancy with us. I truly appreciate the glimpse into your world. <3
I feel so compelled to write it all down because I don’t hear these things anywhere else, it’s not in the baby books or in popular culture at all, especially things like the idea that I might not want to be done being pregnant yet and give up the feeling of this baby inside of me. It’s all so layered and different to what I ever thought it would be. It’s an honour to get to share it with you all, thank you for following us on this journey! <3