If Freya ever asks me about our lives like this, in lockdown, I will have to tell her about the walking. I carry her on my chest in a wrap for hours a day, walking through the neighbourhood in ever-increasing circles. Then after the walks there are the afternoon naps, the next few hours slipping past with her warm body sleeping next to mine, her sweaty head leaning on the crook of my arm.
It’s a slow paced sort of life, full of little habits and quiet moments. It’s rough in how the need to do something else, just anything else, sneaks up on me at times. But I have to admit that part of me wants to keep this forever, the three of us safely locked into our home, together as the days flow by.
Before, before COVID-19 and social distancing and walks, there was so much I was doing, so much I felt that I needed to be doing, that I was continually running past myself. These last months have been an adjustment for sure, a loss of everything that could have been, but also a relief. I feel so much more at ease. I don’t feel like I have to want more and be more, or explain myself why I don’t.
There were so many things I wanted from myself as a parent. Things I thought I would do, ways I would be. But caring for Freya is not one big thing, but a million little moments.
It’s walking through the neighbourhood, and sweaty naps, endless repetition, and it’s cruel in how fast it goes and how she’s growing up a tiny bit every day already.
My hands change her and bathe her and wipe her sticky face. They hold her, support her, my arms have become stronger as they lift her all day long. My back works to carry her, my hip fits her little body onto it as we stand, like balancing puzzle pieces.
And yes, I can’t wait for life to start rushing back, for restaurants and travel and socialising again. But in the meantime… we are okay lingering in this for just a little while more. <3