If Freya ever asks me about our lives like this, in lockdown, I will have to tell her about the walking. I carry her on my chest in a wrap for hours a day, walking through the neighbourhood in ever-increasing circles. Then after the walks there are the afternoon naps, the next few hours slipping past with her warm body sleeping next to mine, her sweaty head leaning on the crook of my arm.
It’s a slow paced sort of life, full of little habits and quiet moments. It’s rough in how the need to do something else, just anything else, sneaks up on me at times. But I have to admit that part of me wants to keep this forever, the three of us safely locked into our home, together as the days flow by.
Before, before COVID-19 and social distancing and walks, there was so much I was doing, so much I felt that I needed to be doing, that I was continually running past myself. These last months have been an adjustment for sure, a loss of everything that could have been, but also a relief. I feel so much more at ease. I don’t feel like I have to want more and be more, or explain myself why I don’t.
There were so many things I wanted from myself as a parent. Things I thought I would do, ways I would be. But caring for Freya is not one big thing, but a million little moments.
It’s walking through the neighbourhood, and sweaty naps, endless repetition, and it’s cruel in how fast it goes and how she’s growing up a tiny bit every day already.
My hands change her and bathe her and wipe her sticky face. They hold her, support her, my arms have become stronger as they lift her all day long. My back works to carry her, my hip fits her little body onto it as we stand, like balancing puzzle pieces.
And yes, I can’t wait for life to start rushing back, for restaurants and travel and socialising again. But in the meantime… we are okay lingering in this for just a little while more. <3
Seeing your smiling (and sleepy) faces is a balm. Thank you for sharing.
Sending you lots of love and hugs from Belgium, I wish you all the joy and gentle quiet as well <3
Even though the lockdown must be tough for you at times, it’s heartwarming to read yours words and your depiction of what motherhood is for you. The bond you have with Freya is amazing and inspiring! I hope I’ll experience that too. :-)
It is tough at times, but it has forced me to enjoy the now more and what we have, and that has been good I think. My bond with Freya, I have written about it here before, it didn’t happen instantly. I was so scared that it wouldn’t at all, but instead it just grew bit by bit. So I would say not to expect magic on day one (although maybe you do get that instant rush of connection!) – it can happen slow as well, and be just as deep and amazing :)
Hi! I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to leave you a message but i was thinking about you and thought, better late than never.
I hope you all are still doing well, with things starting up again and stuff. :) Sending you love. <3
Just realised I used my normal email address, sorry if that was confusing!
Oh I thought it was you! And then I wasn’t sure any more haha. Thank you for your message, I’ve been way too quiet on here but it’s hard to think of things to write when all we do is pretty same-ish, although now everything is slowly starting up again our lives are getting a tad more interesting *g* How are you doing? Last I heard you were thinking about a baby too? Greets from Gent! xxx
I never got an email notification (or maybe it got lost), sorry!
Aw, I hope you enjoyed some social things before now, it sucks that we have to go back to our social bubble of 5. For a good reason, to be sure, but still ugh.
I started the whole process last June I think? And did the appointments and the blood tests etc. Something went wrong with the money I gave them to order the donor sperm, so I couldn’t actually start when I wanted to in November. Then it was the holidays so I didn’t start then because it’s too busy a time. Around the beginning of March I started to go in for my first insemination but we had to halt the process due to Covid-19. And then I started again in June, and now I am 9 weeks pregnant! :D :D :D
I haven’t blogged about it, I think due to the lock down my mind was just not in the right mindset? But yes. Very pleased and I hope things keep going in the right direction. :)
I hope you and yours are doing well. <3
OMG that’s AMAZING news!!!! Oh I’m so happy for you!!!! *sends a big virtual hug* :D You’re in for a roller-coaster ride of ups and downs for sure, I can honestly say that being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I also wouldn’t trade it for the world <3
How are you feeling? The first trimester can be so hard, never mind now with COVID, I hope you can rest well and that the nausea isn't too bad?
And we're well thank you, I keep on meaning to update the blog but yes, we are all fine here :)
I happened across your blog a few hours ago and read all of it in one sitting. It reads like a novel. I was spellbound, reading about the trials you went through to even get to the trying-to-conceive stage. I was chewing my nails when you were diagnosed with OHSS and I honestly burst into happy tears at your BFP post. As a lesbian myself, beginning the TTC process with my wife this gives me SO much hope for the future. I was reading parts outloud to my wife (probably annoying her as I constantly interrupted her video game but she indulged me anyway~). Throughout your journey what really struck me was the easy and loving understanding you and your partner share and the simple, beautiful honesty you wrote with. You don’t sugar-coat the bad parts and that makes the wonderful parts shine so much brighter.
I wanted to ask, have you considered turnung this into a book? I havent enjoyed reading something that wasnt an old favorite novel this much in longer then I care to recall.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
I love writing so this made me feel oh so chuffed! *laughs* I once considered writing a ‘how to conceive as a lesbian’ guide, back when I could rattle off all the chance percentages and donor laws per country. It can be so daunting facing all those choices, I know it took us a lot of hard work and discussions before we knew what would be right for us. We have been on quite a journey, I don’t think I realise it myself most of the time, but when I look back to when we first started this blog it seems like a lifetime ago. I can only wish you the same happiness we’ve found, when I look at Freya now she was worth every single shot and every bit of bureaucracy! If I can ever be of any help don’t hesitate to let me know, good luck and lots of baby dust!
For some reason I can’t hit reply on your last comment, so I’ll make a new one!
Thank you so much! It was so surreal to have things succeed immediately, I kept wanting to be really careful in my thinking because so much could go wrong still. But I’m heading into week 11 now, so every day it becomes more real! I’m fully aware I probably don’t know what’s coming haha, but I’m ready to tackle it, and I hope I feel the same way, that while it’s hardest thing I’ll ever do, I wouldn’t want to trade it.
I’m alright. The tiredness seems to be fairly within reason. I was home all week last week and I slept a LOT, though haha. The nausea is pretty bad, it can last all day if I don’t properly eat on time at noon, so it’s been a bit of a puzzle figuring it out, but I can handle it? I’m usually a very emotional person and I’ve been feeling pretty stable actually. XD But mum says I am very defensive, so I guess that is a Thing.
Happy to hear that you’re all fine. <3
The comments on the blog don’t always work for some reason, sorry about that!
And you’re almost out of the first trimester, that’s great! It’s such a relief to get past it, both risk-wise and feeling-wise I thought. I can imagine how you feel about it working on the first try, Freya was our very first embryo and it always seemed too good to be true. But it does happen :) I’m really so happy for you! If you do end up blogging about it somewhere I’d love to follow you.