It’s hard trying to tell a story when you’re in the middle of it.
We are still in lockdown. Still at home. Still taking care of a baby through a pandemic. Nothing ever changes, or that’s what it feels like anyway, every day unfolds at the same pace, every task is a familiar one, every minute is taken up by something that we’ve already done a hundred times before.
Sometimes the sheer thought of walking to the park to go see the ducks AGAIN makes me want to scream. But I hold it back, because Freya loves the ducks, because we are fortunate enough to live close to a park, and because feeling sorry for myself won’t change anything anyway.
Really, the truth is that we have it so good. We live in a beautiful flat, with a wonderful child who we adore. Jo and I support each other, love each other, and we still genuinely look forward to spending time together even though we’ve already been stuck here together for well over a year.
Still, I can’t wait to get the vaccine. For our lives to get moving again.
To visit Jo’s family again, who haven’t seen Freya since she was a newborn. To start thinking seriously about trying for a second baby(!). To catch up on all the travel that we have wanted to do. To eat in a restaurant, hug my friends, have playdates, talk without a mask, walk into a shop without thinking, go to the cinema… Just anything new!
It feels like we are stuck in time until all of this passes, and only once it does we’ll be able to charge forwards with all these wants and needs. I have to remind myself to mark every achievement and moment regardless though, I have to, because Freya is growing so fast. When I see how tiny she was at the beginning of all this and where we are now I want to kick myself because I was committed to keeping a record here, to chart where we are and where we’ve been before I forget any of it.
This blog was my anchor in a changing world. First when we wished for a child, then when she grew inside of me, and now she’s here becoming a person all on her own, and I don’t want to just allow myself to be carried by the waves of every day-to-day because before I know it this very moment will be gone as well. So this is me trying to capture us when we’re at sea, in the middle of it all, desperately wishing wanting hoping…