It comes down to two donors.
Two potential fathers for our – at this point entirely imaginary – child.
It makes me feel as if I am choosing between two possible children. One with that glint in their eye, one with the nice smile. They’ll be so very different, how are we meant to decide this?
I pour over the baby pictures.
I listen to the donor’s voices in the interviews.
I read their answers to questions, look at their handwriting in the letters, and study their family trees.
One of the donors is quite young still, a bit naive, but he seems kind. The other donor is older and more cynical in his answers. Is it more important that a donor is mature enough to make this decision? Or would it be nicer for our kid if their donor is younger when they meet?
It’s all such nuance, and I don’t feel capable of deciding. As soon as I mentally pick one, my brain reminds me of why the other one is just that bit better. They’re both great options, Jo and I agree that they are, there is nothing left to disqualify them for!
So eventually we ask our deck of tarot cards. Neither of us are all that paranormally inclined, but I do believe that tarot cards are a good psychological aid with things like these. You’ll read into it what you want to, you’ll hear what fits bests – or that’s the plan anyway.
We each draw a card for each donor and turn them one by one.
One donor is Strength (Jo) and The Chariot (me).
The other donor is Page of Wands reversed (Jo) and Queen of Wands reversed (me).
The explanations are surprisingly easy to read into, enough so that we look at each other and go, “Um… Well…”
We don’t decide on the spot, we just let it simmer for a bit, but as there is an impossible decision to be made… We go with the cards’ advice.
On a very normal Wednesday afternoon, Jo and I sit in front of my computer, and add a sperm sample to our shopping basket. It’s like buying a pair of very expensive shoes. Except we’re buying a bit of a person, a gift, and that is a very odd feeling. I hope so much that the donor fully realised what he was doing. I hope it works. I hope we choose right. Please, please let it have been right.
We receive an email with a tracking number, and that’s it. The sperm sample is on its way to our London clinic.