I am five years old. My favourite toy is a baby doll that cries if its dummy falls out. I call her Katy and take her everywhere with me.
One fateful night, her dummy falls out and five year old me wakes up grumpy and confused. I rummage around in my bed for the dummy but I can’t find it. She is crying and crying so I do the only thing I can think of at the time – I pick up the doll and smash it against the wall until the crying stops.
I never wanted to be a mother.
That’s probably not something you expect to read in a pregnancy blog, and it feels oddly taboo to even write this. We all have those conversation topics we desperately want to avoid talking about and for me, it was always pregnancy.
When I think about being pregnant, I feel a knot of dread in my stomach and my palms start to sweat. It’s always been like that. For me being pregnant is literally the stuff of nightmares.
It’s never occurred to me until we started writing this blog to ever look up pregnancy phobia, but apparently it does exist. As of right now I know that I have something called tokophobia – a fear of pregnancy and childbirth that affects anywhere between 2.5% to 14% of all women. That’s a pretty amazing statistic, and it is a relief to know I’m not the only person who feels this way.
So no, I never wanted to carry a child.
But then a whole new world of possibilities opened up when Nele and I got together.
I knew right from the start that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, so I would daydream about our future together. I thought of a house, kittens, maybe one day a puppy, and also… Nele with a baby on her hip.
Because now suddenly I wasn’t the only one in the relationship capable of having a child, I could think about babies without the associated terror of pregnancy. And for the first time, I experienced a warm feeling inside at the thought of having a family of my own.
It might sound clichéd, but I am so excited about getting to go on this journey with her. For anyone who might be thinking that maybe I’ll change my mind about being pregnant or I’ll feel jealous once she is, well, I at least know myself well enough to say it’s not 100% out of the question, but I really doubt it.
I never wanted to be a mother. But I can’t wait to be a parent.