Slowly, she starts sleeping a little more. We manage to eat one meal without being interrupted by screaming, then another, and the world stops spinning quite so desperately out of control. We even manage to host a small party and go out to brunch! Things that seemed utterly impossible even a week a ago are now within our reach again, and it makes us feel so much more human.

I still only sleep two blocks of about 2-3 hours a night, but it’s so much more liveable than one hour was. We have a tiny bit of a routine going, and it seems to work for all of us. But now Jo is going back to work and I’m on my own with baby, which scares me quite a bit. There is no one to take over for a minute, it’s all on me.

We still have to supplement her feeding every three hours with donor milk, and I need to pump for her as much as I can fit in. It bothers me because she screams while I pump, and she screams while I prepare the extra milk, and if only I could just feed her it would all be all right! But my body isn’t quite up to speed yet, despite the many, many pills and supplements I swallow every day I don’t have a full milk production.

It feels like a failure, yet again. Something I deeply believed in and wanted and that isn’t working out at all like I imagined it would. I will keep on fighting for this though, I am not giving up. Thanks to some wonderful mamas donating their milk Freya has not had a drop of formula. She will be a breastfed baby, she will, she will… And she will gain weight, hopefully. The midwives come and weigh her all the time, and the novelty of that has worn off as well, all we want is for Freya to grow, for her to be all right, and not to get this extra attention. At least she is gaining now, so she will get there, bit by bit.  

So will we! <3

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